ABC showed Saving Private Ryan tonight, and the run-up and pre-show warnings were classic litigation-prevention doublespeak.
"Saving Private Ryan, uncut, with limited commercial interruptions" was the first spiel.

Then came the black screens with big print white text and the voice of doom.
"Due to graphic depictions of violence, and language, this film is not suitable for younger viewers. Parental discretion is advised."

Then came the next screen.
"The content of this movie has not been editted for television. Due to language and graphic depictions of war and violence, viewer discretion is advised."

Then to the next screen.
"This movie has been editted for television. It has been modified to fit this screen and editted to run in the time alotted."

Well wait a moment. Did you just tell me on the previous screen that this move had not been editted?

Then to the final screen:
"And now, uncut, uncensored and uneditted, ABC presents Saving Private Ryan".

So now it's uneditted again?

Then for the final piece of two-faced "we don't know what we're doing" action - the film was indeed largly uncensored. The Normandy beach scene had all the amputated limbs, guts, exploding heads, blood, gore and intensity of war. Great. Until the first person opened their mouth - "Sir - what the [deathly silence whilst actor quite clearly says 'fuck'] are we doing here?"

Hmm. So exploding human guts full-screen is fine, but "Fuck" is not.

And then I switched over to Fox.


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