Countdown to disaster
Well that's it then. The Beijing Olympics is over. So now begins the countdown to the humiliating disaster that will be the 2012 London Olympics. They're bleating on about how they're two months ahead of schedule already, but the budget hike has been played down. The original $6bn budget had already ballooned to $17bn and there's still 4 years to go. The London Olympic committee were on TV tonight frantically denying that the UK taxpayers would foot the bill any more than they had already, but then went on to say they weren't sure where they were going to get the extra $11bn from.
Of course we all know exactly where it'll come from - the taxpayer. Glad I don't live there any more ....
So this is largely how it'll go.
OPENING CEREMONY
After a prolonged, politically and ethnically correct song and dance number, the Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a Brixton native wearing the traditional hoodie. The flame will be contained in a large chip-pan situated on the roof of the stadium. The traditional fireworks will be canceled because the London Olympic committee could not decide the length of fuse wire to use, and the audience will not be allowed to witness any of the ceremony due to health and safety concerns about having that many people in a stadium all at the same time. That's if the Polish builders actually finish the stadium in time.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, England's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of British athletes.
100M SPRINT
Athletes will have to hold a DVD player and microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. The first athlete to trip the speed camera wins Gold.
100M HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, immigrant families, walls, etc...)
200M AND 400M SPRINT
The longer sprint events will be canceled due to health and safety concerns that the athletes might get a bit tired.
HAMMER THROW
Athletes in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the audience within the time allowed.
FENCING
Athletes will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelery as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local athletes in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Group 4 wages delivery man. Note. If gun laws cannot be changed in time, shooting will be replaced by stabbing.
ROWING
Rowing events will be canceled due to health and safety concerns that the athletes might get wet and could even drown if placed in direct contact with the Thames.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Athletes will be asked to break into the East London University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft and then pursue the athlete in attempt to kick the living shit out of them.
JAVELIN
The javelin event will be canceled due to health and safety concerns about having a large pointed stick flying uncontrollably through the air.
MODERN PENTATHLON
The Pentathlon will be brought bang up to date with new events including mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding, and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way around the course.
SWIMMING
Athletes will be thrown off Tower Bridge at slack tide. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
GYMNASTICS
Gymnastics events will be canceled due to health and safety concerns that the gymnasts might fall off the equipment and hurt themselves.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this event will also have to be canceled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Watford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised audience mugging, and music by the Brixton Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine on to it from the top floor of the block of council flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Of course we all know exactly where it'll come from - the taxpayer. Glad I don't live there any more ....
So this is largely how it'll go.
OPENING CEREMONY
After a prolonged, politically and ethnically correct song and dance number, the Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a Brixton native wearing the traditional hoodie. The flame will be contained in a large chip-pan situated on the roof of the stadium. The traditional fireworks will be canceled because the London Olympic committee could not decide the length of fuse wire to use, and the audience will not be allowed to witness any of the ceremony due to health and safety concerns about having that many people in a stadium all at the same time. That's if the Polish builders actually finish the stadium in time.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, England's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of British athletes.
100M SPRINT
Athletes will have to hold a DVD player and microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. The first athlete to trip the speed camera wins Gold.
100M HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, immigrant families, walls, etc...)
200M AND 400M SPRINT
The longer sprint events will be canceled due to health and safety concerns that the athletes might get a bit tired.
HAMMER THROW
Athletes in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the audience within the time allowed.
FENCING
Athletes will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelery as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local athletes in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Group 4 wages delivery man. Note. If gun laws cannot be changed in time, shooting will be replaced by stabbing.
ROWING
Rowing events will be canceled due to health and safety concerns that the athletes might get wet and could even drown if placed in direct contact with the Thames.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Athletes will be asked to break into the East London University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft and then pursue the athlete in attempt to kick the living shit out of them.
JAVELIN
The javelin event will be canceled due to health and safety concerns about having a large pointed stick flying uncontrollably through the air.
MODERN PENTATHLON
The Pentathlon will be brought bang up to date with new events including mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding, and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way around the course.
SWIMMING
Athletes will be thrown off Tower Bridge at slack tide. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
GYMNASTICS
Gymnastics events will be canceled due to health and safety concerns that the gymnasts might fall off the equipment and hurt themselves.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this event will also have to be canceled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Watford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised audience mugging, and music by the Brixton Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine on to it from the top floor of the block of council flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Comments